Raphael Kang .com

I finished my finals today.

Afterwards, I was talking to my friend, and she asked me, "How do you feel?"

I answer, "Relieved." But it wasn't true. I really didn't feel anything. I was too busy thinking, "K, what next? What else do I need to do?"

That's when I realized something. My mind is constantly full of wildfires. Little, medium, and big wildfires that need to be put out. Finals were just another wildfire. I still have over 25+ that need to be quelled.

Today, I walked 6 miles. From the Hudson River, to the World Trade Center sites, to Battery Park, Wall Street, Chinatown, Alphabet City, and back to East Village (My home). It was a good walk that made me appreciate what an amazing city I live in. But that was enough. That was my break. I came home, got organized, packed for a bit (I'm moving to a new studio tomorrow), and then I was back at Barnes & Noble, studying for my internship this summer.

It's a Thursday night. I should be out. Celebrating the end of school year.

But I think... celebrate what? I have so much to prove, I have so much to prepare, I have so much to do.

This summer job means so much to me. I've fought so hard to get it. I've worked so hard to get to where I am today. There is no one who prepared harder. And no one who's preparing harder.

I want to perform. I want to excel. I want to add value. And by doing so, I want that full-time offer. I want the start to my career. Not only do I want to secure it, I want to earn it. And deserve it.

I realize... that this desire has been internalized deep within. That everything that I do and think about work towards that goal -- this structured, disciplined way I live (which to the 3rd person can seem machine-like) has become a default way to live.

People ask me, "Does it make you happy? This goal of yours to study 10, 11 hours a day." I never thought of it in terms of happiness. It's just something that needs to be done, and I'm going to do it.

Ironic thing is, I'm more balanced than ever in my life. Academically, professionally, and socially. Healthier than ever. More satisfied than ever.

Maybe it's NYC. Maybe it's my maturing. Maybe it's both. Maybe it's neither.

Life is irony. You know?